Daughter Uses (the) Force to Get Less Than Enthusiastic Dad to Run Far, Far Away
She looks at him on that day and says, “Dad, will you run
the Disney half marathon with me?”
The Chief Blogette of this blog (my wife) used a variation
of this same approach to bamboozle me lovingly persuade me to run the Walt
Disney World Wine & Dine Half Marathon with her in 2016. I was even made to
dress up.
Having paid my penance, I thought maybe I was off the
proverbial Disney racing hook. No such luck.
My daughter had already run three Disney half marathons, but
apparently that is not far enough. I have pointed out that you don’t really get
anywhere running these things – you start in Walt Disney World and, after a
very long time, you finish in Walt Disney World, just in a different part of it.
She is unmoved.
After a little guilt loving and gentle prodding by
the Blogette, I agreed, thinking it would involve minimal training based on my
starting condition. That starting condition promptly went down the drain when I
blew out my left calf a week later (that may be a slight exaggeration, but the
doc did say he thought I had torn it slightly). So, my training regimen now
consisted of sitting on the couch and, in the event I had to get up and put
weight on my calf, whimpering. I of course thought my racing days were over, at
least in the short term.
Wrong again.
And so the day came, the day of the 2019 Star Wars Half
Marathon.
The race itself was titled Rival Run because the runners are
each assigned to either the Light or Dark Side of the Force. Unfortunately,
this didn’t mean the two sides competed against each other. We weren’t allowed
to trip or shove the opposite side off the course during the race, for example.
I was on the Dark Side, and this seemed to me exactly the kind of thing I ought
to have been doing to be consistent with my character. This was your idea, Disney.
No dice. They insisted all the runners be nice to one
another.
If you’re unfamiliar with Disney race weekends, here’s the
basic gist:
The running happens over the course of three days. There is
a 5k on Friday, a 10k on Saturday, and everything culminates with the half
marathon on Sunday. You sign up for any combination thereof, to include just a
single race, which is what most people do. Once a year, over a weekend in
January, things are changed up because there is a legitimate 26.2-mile full marathon.
I have no personal experience with that weekend because, at least for now, my wife
and daughter don’t actively hate me.
So, having secured entry into your race of choice, by which
I mean paid Disney a sufficient quantity of money, you show up at (hopefully)
sunny Walt Disney World and head to the ESPN center to pick up your race bib
(see above photo), which is the little numbered paper placard you attach to
your shirt, along with the few bits of swag Disney gives you. This primarily
consists of a running shirt commemorating the weekend. It’s a good quality
running shirt, I will give them credit for that.
There is a large running expo there at the ESPN center as
well.
It’s pretty fun, really. A collection of stores and vendors
rent out space on the expo floor for their sales booths. With the right frame
of mind, this is immensely entertaining. You get to look at all the
running-themed merchandise people would rather have than money. This includes
outfits, commemorative racing medal hangers, and gear. So much gear. This is
the best part. There are running shoes, running socks, running watches, running
snacks, running supplements, running leggings, running hats, running skirts,
shorts, pants, kimonos, etc., all of it Specially Designed™ to Decrease Your Time
and/or Enhance Your Run™! These products are accompanied by professionally
photographed top running athletes so as to create the impression they became
top running athletes by using the products, and thus create the further
impression that they will work in like manner for you.
It is completely unrelated to what we’re talking about that the
Walt Disney Company’s chief product is fantasy.
Anyway, on race day you have to arrive very, very early. The
course took the runners through three of the four Disney World theme parks, all
of which still have to open on time, so the race has to start early. We arrived
at around 3:20 am. Not kidding.
There is a booth selling coffee.
There are also DJs, photo ops with various Star Wars
characters, running announcers, just all kinds of stuff to keep folks
interested and the energy level up. And there are the runners themselves. About
a quarter of the population of North America shows up to these Disney races, so
you have excellent opportunities to people watch. As I alluded to earlier, it
is extremely popular to dress up in themed costumes. My daughter and I didn’t
have time to make costumes, but we did buy running shirts meant to look like
Storm Trooper outfits.
At one point, we had to have a talk with our manager...
He’s the stern type. Not too talkative. As we walked up he pointed
and said, “Take your place at my side.”
(Admit it, you read that in James Earl Jones’ voice)
Others go all out with their costumes. And not everyone does
a Star Wars character. To me, the hands down best belonged to a guy who dressed
up as the Swedish Chef from the Muppets and the entire race carried a cooking
pot with a Star Wars critter in it. I didn’t get a picture of him, I’m sorry to
say, but just take a second and imagine that look. The chef’s apron and shirt,
the toque (chef’s hat), the huge mustache and eyebrows you can’t really see
under, then the silver pot with the critter in it...all the while running next
to you and muttering in fake Swedish. Ok, got it?
Trust me, in real life it was way better.
There are other photo op characters, of course.
Now it’s time to start the race. Wheelchairs and hand cycles
go first, followed by Corrals filled with runners grouped together by previous
race times, if any. The Corrals proceed out sequentially every few minutes,
each one with a slower average running speed than the one in front of it. Corral
A consists of elite runners with average speeds in the neighborhood of “Gazelle
Escaping A Lioness.” They’re the first Corral to start followed by B, C, etc.
culminating in Corral H, whose runners have an average speed of “Wounded
Sloth.” So, provided your speed is anywhere north of “Fire Hydrant,” there’s a
Corral for you!
Disclaimer: I
am not making fun of slow runners. In fairness, I’ve been gently teasing pretty
much every aspect of the weekend, but all in good fun with no ill intent. These
Disney races are only about the time if you want them to be. Of the thousands
who show up, most don’t actually “run” them in any meaningful sense. They enter
them and maneuver the course, stopping along the way for pictures with
characters, selfies in front of Disney landmarks, photos with other runners in
memorable costumes, etc. Unless it’s the Swedish Chef. You just have to mourn
the loss of that photo. Anyway, the point is people do these races for the
experience. They run with friends and laugh along the way. Most finish, some
don’t, but these events have been the catalysts for countless people to change
their lifestyles, to become just a little more active, to improve themselves in
one small way. And once they’ve improved in one tiny area, like gently running
a couple of times a week, what other small changes might they make?
Now back to the race. So, your Corral is up next. You’ve
been training (umm, well), you’re ready (sort of), you’re poised (eh), and
raring for the off (very much so). You know the first thing you’re going to do when
you finally pass that glorious starting line. You will immediately, without a
second’s hesitation, as if by instinct...begin looking for the first bathroom
you can find. Because the Helpful Disney Folks® having been harping about the
humidity and practically demanding you hydrate, hydrate, hydrate, for the last
90 minutes, every single minute of which you have been dutifully obeying their
instructions, and now you have to pee, pee, pee, and there is NO BATHROOM IN
THE CORRAL HOLDING AREA!!
This is why my daughter and I, though we got pictures in
front of every Mile Marker from 2 through 13, did not get a picture of Mile Marker
1 – we did not care. We just needed a port-a-potty right the heck now!
We eventually found one, somewhere just shy of Mile Marker
2. After that things got a lot more enjoyable. For example, I’d never ended up
in a firefight at Walt Disney World before.
There were nice moments after sunup, too. We ran through the
Animal Kingdom at one point, which was very cool.
We stopped now and then when something or someone caught her
eye. For some reason, she wanted a picture with the overgrown Oompa Loompa
wearing the Zebra leg headdress.
But for the most part we kept on moving. She was better at
spotting Disney photographers than I was. Over 9 miles in and she still had the
presence of mind to give this one Runway Model Glamour Eyes.
Everything culminated in what I think was a nice little moment.
She even set a personal record!
So, yeah, a few things about the weekend aren’t ideal. The
price is a little steep. Bathroom placement is suboptimal. I never got my
Swedish Chef photo. But that picture there...you know what, I’ll keep that a
lot longer than I would the few bucks it set me back.
